Dear Shraddha

Dear Shraddha,

Today is P's birthday. We got him a cake and he will cut it in the evening. Mini paapa saw it and wanted to eat the whole box! She is a lot like you - looks at us whenever we munch, just like you! Tomorrow P is having a party for his friends. I hope it will be a nice sunny day like today. Otherwise I shall have to manage a bunch of children in one small room for almost 3 hours!!

Charan anna's school day is finally going to be held next thursday. He is going to be dancing, wearing a rishi costume! Amma, appa, paati, athais, chithappa are all going to see him on stage. Don't know yet about thatha and Janani akka. Anna is quite nervous but excited about this. You know the funny thing? When I was at JV, the first time I went on stage as a part of the annual day programmes, I also was a "rishi"! 

Mini paapa is lying down next to me as I type this and is singing! She puts her index finger in her mouth and goes "aaaaaa, aaa-aaa" and can keep at it for up to 15 minutes at a stretch. She also keeps her feet flat on the floor and raises her bum. And does a wiggle! But she hasn't rolled over on her tummy yet - nor does she feel inclined to! Did you crawl? I remember seeing photos of you flat on your tummy! 

Cold Comfort

What though the radiance which was once so bright
 Be now for ever taken from my sight,    
Though nothing can bring back the hour  
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;          
We will grieve not, rather find          
Strength in what remains behind;         
In the primal sympathy         
Which having been must ever be;          
In the soothing thoughts that spring          
Out of human suffering;

- Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood   by William Wordsworth

Happy Birthday Shraddha!

You would have been three years old today. I cannot put in words how much you are missed now.




First pic taken soon after birth

Seated in her favourite spot

Many Happy Returns

What else can I say? Where are you my Darling?

Poignant

The house is full of photos of a little girl - last year this time, she was here, asking "how come there are no photos of me, like there are anna's?" A year on, the house is full of photos - but the girl has gone.

3 months ago...

... this day, this bright light was taken away from the bosom of her adoring family. Suddenly. Irrevocably. Out of the blue.

Leaving us to wonder. 

Moving on - or trying to

New Year's Day, Pongal, Fridays - nothing is auspicious or special anymore. Every one of those is a sharp reminder of this empty space in our lives that was so full of Shraddha.

Fridays, the day she passed on, especially are pure hell. They feel more like Groundhog Day. Fresh, raw grief comes to the surface all over again.

Jan 16 was especially bad, as it signified that exactly a month remained to Shraddha's third birthday.

The awfulness continues.